Ankers was a lovely man, not as tall as I like my men to be but lovely nonetheless. He had slightly greying, short hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. One of the things I remember most about him was his stubbly beard, it was just the right length to add an extra layer of interest to a snog but not enough to give stubble rash. This rather impressed me.
I’d found him on on POF. Initially I didn’t respond because of the distance but he persisted and I agreed to meet him.
He was just as lovely as I expected him to be, he was worried I wasn’t going to arrive and I was worried I’d get lost. We met in Nantwich at an Indian restaurant. The food was pants (it was no Akbar’s!) but Ankers was the perfect gent. He walked me to my car, pecked me on the cheek and off he went in his rather well fitted Levi’s accentuating his peachy bum 🍑
Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?
Well it was…🤦🏽♀️
Turned out Ankers had a rather colourful past. Although he was now working with his brother at the family’s haulage company, in the past he’d driven round in a lorry which often had things falling off the back of it! He had a criminal record and he was for want of a better word; a hard man 💪🏻
Still I persisted, thinking what’s in the past will stay on the past. We all have one, right?
Anyways he was the perfect gent and didn’t try anything drastic till about three months in. I’d made him a lamb and potato curry and vegetable rice. We smooched on the sofa, the slight whiff of curry in the air; believe me when I say that is not an aphrodisiac though it got Anker’s going!
There we were on the sofa when he smoooooothly took my hand to his penis. Except his penis was nothing like the penis (or is it peni? As it’s plural 🤷🏽♀️) I’d felt previously. I stopped the stubbly snogging and moved in for a look and excitedly squealed…wait for it…
“It’s got a jacket!!”
Ankers looked at me and said
“what the fuck are you on about?”
“You’ve got a jacket on your willy! A jacket!”
I think I clapped my hands at one point and exclaimed…
“You’re not circumcised! Your willy has a jacket!”
I demonstrated my point to him by pulling the ‘jacket’ back and forth! He was not impressed or aroused any longer.
Erm, no shit Sherlock 🤦🏽♀️
I explained to a rather bemused Ankers that all the men (I sound a complete hussy, I’m not 😇) I’d bumped uglies with, were circumcised so I’ve never seen the foreskin. I told him…
“You’re going to pop my foreskin cherry 🍒”
He didn’t seem eager and we just cuddled. Boy was I gutted 🤦🏽♀️ Mental note, don’t compare man’s foreskin to a jacket.
How was I supposed to know 🤷🏽♀️
When we did eventually bump uglies, I can honestly say, it was no different with a foreskin but I had amends to make and told Ankers that he was the best I’d ever had 🙄
So things were going well, I even introduced him to Desi Jnr. They seem to hit it off.
Of course there is a but! It’s me 🤦🏽♀️
He disappeared. No calls or texts for three days. Going over every text and conversation we’d had. I couldn’t figure it out .
On the eve of the fourth day, he rings
“Babe. I’ve been in the cells. They took me in because I was about to ‘do’ the boy that punched my boy”
“Just punch him? They took you in for three days, just for punching?”
“Well babe, I had a gun”
I literally had no words. I hung up. I had to think. He relentlessly contacted me until I gave in and answered.
“Babe let me explain. It wasn’t a real gun, I just wanted to look the business!”
I again. naively accepted this. Until about a month later he sent me a set of pictured of him holding a gun!!! WTF?! In his black wool coat, slicked back hair, trimmed beard and a mean look on his face. My job is too important to jeopardise and I can no longer be with him. My heart and brain both hurt.
In the end my brain ruled, he was too dangerous and there is only one way to stop it. To tell him, it’s over. Not because I didn’t like him but just because he’s a bit of a wanna be gangster and my job is too sensitive to allow it.
He cried, I cried. We both cried. His jacketed penis wasn’t mine anymore and neither were the two small oven dishes I’d made lasagne for him to eat whilst he was at work.
Separating from Ankers hurt ☹️