Billy 🖤

Billy was a find on Match.com. He was tall, had a Gallagher brother haircut and a cheeky smile. He wasted no time in asking me out, he asked me out for a drink the second day. I was reluctant because I like to get to know someone before I meet them but my best friend at the time encouraged me to seize the day.

So off I twaddled to a pub in the hills at Saddleworth Moors. He was just like his pictures, so first impressions were ok.

I had a Diet Coke whilst he had a pint of something alcoholic (no idea what, it had a foamy head on it) We sat outside on wooden benches and talked.

Now, we talked about the weather, children and funnily enough cars. I literally know nothing about cars, nothing. I know so little that when I went to buy my first post divorce car, my exact words to the Nissan salesman were…

‘I want the car with the big bum, please’

Whilst I was feeling all liberated going to buy my own car, Bob the speckled salesman must of thought Christmas had come early.

Anyways I digress.

After chatting for an hour, we said our goodbyes. He walked me the two metres to my car. I shook his hand, he pulled me in, gave me a sloppy kiss and my arse a squeeze. Uh uh, he was an octopus boy 🤷🏽‍♀️

We carried on talking and two days later. asked to meet again. Same pub but evening and inside. We had a chat about random stuff again for about an hour. There was no specific topic, just random talk.

As he walked me to my car, he pulled me in and snogged me. Like full on.

It wasn’t a good snog

He was pressing me into him, invading my mouth with his tongue and he literally spat in my mouth.

That’s right, spat. As we separated I had an usually large quantify of saliva in my mouth and most of it was his. Ewwwww 🤢

I’d had my fair share of bad kisses but this was a whole new level. I actually wanted to spit what he’d left on my out out but I couldn’t. People who spit in public are mingers. So I swallowed it. Ewwwww 🤢🤢

Safe to say I never went on another date with him, ever and I’d found a new appreciation for the travel size bottles of mouthwash.

Ankers 🖤

Ankers was a lovely man, not as tall as I like my men to be but lovely nonetheless. He had slightly greying, short hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. One of the things I remember most about him was his stubbly beard, it was just the right length to add an extra layer of interest to a snog but not enough to give stubble rash. This rather impressed me.

I’d found him on on POF. Initially I didn’t respond because of the distance but he persisted and I agreed to meet him.

He was just as lovely as I expected him to be, he was worried I wasn’t going to arrive and I was worried I’d get lost. We met in Nantwich at an Indian restaurant. The food was pants (it was no Akbar’s!) but Ankers was the perfect gent. He walked me to my car, pecked me on the cheek and off he went in his rather well fitted Levi’s accentuating his peachy bum 🍑

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?

Well it was…🤦🏽‍♀️

Turned out Ankers had a rather colourful past. Although he was now working with his brother at the family’s haulage company, in the past he’d driven round in a lorry which often had things falling off the back of it! He had a criminal record and he was for want of a better word; a hard man 💪🏻

Still I persisted, thinking what’s in the past will stay on the past. We all have one, right?

Anyways he was the perfect gent and didn’t try anything drastic till about three months in. I’d made him a lamb and potato curry and vegetable rice. We smooched on the sofa, the slight whiff of curry in the air; believe me when I say that is not an aphrodisiac though it got Anker’s going!

There we were on the sofa when he smoooooothly took my hand to his penis. Except his penis was nothing like the penis (or is it peni? As it’s plural 🤷🏽‍♀️) I’d felt previously. I stopped the stubbly snogging and moved in for a look and excitedly squealed…wait for it…

“It’s got a jacket!!”

Ankers looked at me and said

“what the fuck are you on about?”

“You’ve got a jacket on your willy! A jacket!”

I think I clapped my hands at one point and exclaimed…

“You’re not circumcised! Your willy has a jacket!”

I demonstrated my point to him by pulling the ‘jacket’ back and forth! He was not impressed or aroused any longer.

Erm, no shit Sherlock 🤦🏽‍♀️

I explained to a rather bemused Ankers that all the men (I sound a complete hussy, I’m not 😇) I’d bumped uglies with, were circumcised so I’ve never seen the foreskin. I told him…

“You’re going to pop my foreskin cherry 🍒”

He didn’t seem eager and we just cuddled. Boy was I gutted 🤦🏽‍♀️ Mental note, don’t compare man’s foreskin to a jacket.

How was I supposed to know 🤷🏽‍♀️

When we did eventually bump uglies, I can honestly say, it was no different with a foreskin but I had amends to make and told Ankers that he was the best I’d ever had 🙄

So things were going well, I even introduced him to Desi Jnr. They seem to hit it off.

But…

Of course there is a but! It’s me 🤦🏽‍♀️

He disappeared. No calls or texts for three days. Going over every text and conversation we’d had. I couldn’t figure it out .

On the eve of the fourth day, he rings

“Babe. I’ve been in the cells. They took me in because I was about to ‘do’ the boy that punched my boy”

“Just punch him? They took you in for three days, just for punching?”

“Well babe, I had a gun”

I literally had no words. I hung up. I had to think. He relentlessly contacted me until I gave in and answered.

“What?”

“Babe let me explain. It wasn’t a real gun, I just wanted to look the business!”

I again. naively accepted this. Until about a month later he sent me a set of pictured of him holding a gun!!! WTF?! In his black wool coat, slicked back hair, trimmed beard and a mean look on his face. My job is too important to jeopardise and I can no longer be with him. My heart and brain both hurt.

In the end my brain ruled, he was too dangerous and there is only one way to stop it. To tell him, it’s over. Not because I didn’t like him but just because he’s a bit of a wanna be gangster and my job is too sensitive to allow it.

He cried, I cried. We both cried. His jacketed penis wasn’t mine anymore and neither were the two small oven dishes I’d made lasagne for him to eat whilst he was at work.

Separating from Ankers hurt ☹️

Usman 🖤

Usman wasn’t an internet dating find, he was the waiter in a restaurant I had gone to with friends. I make an effort to always praise good customer service so I filled in a comment card and left my email address because Usman has been super attentive all evening.

He was a really skinny man, slightly taller than me, obliviously took pride in his appearance as his hair had been styled within an inch of its life, his white shirt had been ironed well with a razor sharp crease on his sleeves and he smelt of Armani Boss. He had amazing cheek bones and rather large eyes but his nose didn’t fit his face. It was crooked and large, you couldn’t help but look at it. His English was heavily accented, he told me had come from Pakistan as a student and his job funded his studies.

Now, Usman had mistaken my questioning and generous tip as a sign of flirting. I was just being kind but my friends told me I was totally flirting. He used the email address I had left on the comment card and contacted me later than night. Usman said I was a pretty lady and he wanted to get to know me. I shan’t lie, I was totally flattered that an 19 year old fancied this 30 something girl but he was far to young for me. I liked my men older, chunkier and not as clean cut. I told him no thank you but he persisted. We ended up texting each other. I was adamant that we weren’t anything but friends but he didn’t get the memo.

On the occasions we did meet for a drink after he’d finished work he tried to put the moves on me. By the moves I mean, touching me at any opportunity (not inappropriately obvs because he’d have got a 👋🏾), complimenting me, listening to everything I said and by trying to kiss me at the end of every meet.

One Saturday night he wasn’t working so we went to watch ‘The Budapest Hotel’ The film actually bored me to death and so I wasn’t particularly watching it. I was messing with my phone when suddenly Usman took hold of my hand. His hands were dry (very important, no sweaty palms please!), and strong. His long fingers grasped my hand and the next thing I knew he had shoved his tongue in my mouth and was doing what I can only describe as a Mexican wave inside my mouth. It was wet, forced and his lips were making sucking sounds. I was having none of it! I shoved him off and asked what on earth he was doing. I grabbed my bag and walked out of the screen. He followed ‘Miss, Miss! Stop, miss!

His heavy accent was even heavier now that he was distressed. He caught upto me easily (I don’t run, I’m a lady!) I told him I was not impressed and he was out of order. He looked thoroughly ashamed of himself and he kept saying sorry. I’d driven us both to the cinema and so felt I had to take this 19 year old home.

The drive was quiet, I pulled up outside his house. He spoke.

‘Miss I’m sorry. I love you’

Eh? What did he just say?

‘I love you, my body wants you, you’re in my heart. Please marry me’

I was speechless, I had no words. My head was in my hands. WTF!

‘Miss, look!’

I turned to look at him and there he was with his fully erect penis in his hands. His fecking penis.

‘Look Miss I want you, he wants you’ he looked down at it and I was still looking at it.

It was by far the biggest penis in length I’d ever seen but the thinnest too. I was bloody fascinated by it. I couldn’t look away, it was like time had slowed down, like it does when you drive past an accident on the motorway. Then he began moving his hand up and down it, it was at this moment I snapped out of whatever penis trance (is that even a thing?!)I was in. I screeched that I was old enough to be his mother and he needed to put his dick away and get out of the car!! He gave it a couple of waves, was this his attempt at seducing me? I screeched one more time that if he doesn’t get out of the car I’m going to call the police. At the mention of police he literally jumped out of the car, his now placid penis hanging out of his zipper. I drove off at speed and felt disgusted with myself that I had allowed myself to get into the situation.

I’d gone from having what I can only describe as the worst kiss ever, to have a long and thin penis waved at me. Is it wrong that I wanted, needed a normal date? Preferably one that didn’t involve a penis?

Jaff 🖤

Jaff was an Shaadi.com find which literally means ‘Wedding.com’

Jaff was from the same town as me, older and worked for the council. My bestie encouraged me to embrace Jaff because he seemed a nice man and had a good sense of humour. Admittedly he wasn’t my ‘type’ as in he wasn’t older, taller or had salt and pepper hair. If anything he was the complete opposite; short, in his 30s like me and was totally bald! Even new borns have more hair. On many an occasion I did wonder how he got it so smooth and whether he used a yellow duster and Mr Sheen to make it shiny.

He introduced me to alcohol free Kopperburg pear cider on the fourth date (yes I got to 4! 🙌🏽) when I invited him round for dinner. Jaff was what I’d call a ‘octopus man’ because his hands wandered everywhere and tried to make my hands wander too. After dinner, we ended up on the sofa snogging. Not going to lie, things got rather hot and steamy whilst his hands wandered. Now, as I said he was an octopus man so he’d touched anything I’d let him over my clothes. I tentatively used my hands to explore his dad bod. As I got further south, he stopped rather abruptly and said he had something to tell me (not again! 🤦🏽‍♀️)

He said his last partner had gotten pregnant and he was truly concerned his strong boys (his words, not mine!) would get me pregnant too. At this point, I should have seen the red flag of mahoosive commitment fears but naive me thought he’ll get past this. Oh how wrong I was 🙋🏽‍♀️

Every time we’d go on a date things would start off well and as soon as things got a bit steamy, he’d look like he was going to pass out from stress. His already shiny head, shined brighter with sweat 💧

One night we actually got to the naked part. In contrast to his head, he was hairy, like really. It was all looking promising until he burst into tears. Actual tears. Now, as a curvy (flattering way of saying plump or fat) who isn’t the most confident without her clothes on, I was horrified. Was he crying because I’m hideous looking when naked? Was it that my jelly like tummy had evoked some childhood jelly related trauma?

I asked what was wrong. He looked at me and then looked down. His penis had shrivelled up, it’d gone into hiding, the one eyed beast had retreated! He got up and left, I started to gather what was left of my self esteem and started getting dressed, when I heard the front door open and close. Surely not?! He’s gone?! Really?!

I ran down the stairs, half dressed and realised;

1. He’d actually gone

2. I was in HIS house

3. He’d driven me here

Needless to say that was our last date and Jaf was renamed Jaffa because just like the orange of the same name, he looked the part but was seedless.

Imran 🖤

Imran was another POF find. He had the most intensely dark coloured eyes and the fullest lips I’d seen on a man. He was fit!

Now, Imran and I never actually met but I perfected my phone sex skills with him and learnt just how powerful words can be in igniting the imagination. He was also the first man to send me a picture of his penis.

Now, let’s just take a moment to think about the penis, the external male, reproductive sexual organ. It isn’t a a pretty thing and neither is the vulva or vagina. I call it bumping uglies for a reason. Although the result of bumping the penis and vagina can be ridiculously satisfying sexually (disclaimer! Not all bumping is good bumping 🤦🏽‍♀️) I don’t think they are pleasing to the eye.

Anyways I digress.

When , you can be doing the most mundane of tasks but as long as you speak in a low, husky voice and say the odd ‘mmm’,’ooo’, ‘yes please’, ‘wet’, ‘hard’ and ‘you’re naughty’ the man gets ridiculously giddy and you hear some rather unusual sounds that can only be described as primal.

Imran throughly enjoyed the idea of dominating me, I totally played along and called him ‘Sir’. Well, that definitely got him going, every single time. He wanted to tie me up, fling me around and basically exist to please his every sexual wimp. Great 🙄

The most memorable time was when he got really giddy and wanted to send me a video of him coming. I’m not joking. Not only did he want to show me his penis again but he wanted me to see it having a right good time (Note. He and his penis were having a good time, I was ironing and had more satisfaction out of smoothing out the creases than with his words) Now, he did send me the video but he also in his eagerness sent it to every single one of his contacts via a WhatsApp Broadcast list. Every single person including his mum 🤦🏽‍♀️

Is it wrong that when I saw it, all I could think of was what a mess he’d made and whether it would stain the mattress? Wonder what his mum thought? 🤔

At that time in my life, I decided that perhaps sexting wasn’t for me. Phone sex lacked what I really craved; physical touch, affection and presence. Nevertheless I have partaken in it over the years and am rather pleased with myself about the effect my voice has 🙌🏽

Zak 🖤

Zak was another POF find, his pictures showed a tall, tanned and bearded man-bingo!!

We chatted and when he asked for my number, I was like a giddy kipper.

We carried on chatting via text messages. He was a corporate banker who was divorced and had a little girl. His texts became increasingly littered with innuendos and I tried to reciprocate with my limited sexual knowledge, put it this way, it was a steep learning curve!! Whatever I said or implied made him happy so I suppose mission accomplished!

We arranged to meet one night for a drink and agreed on the Trafford Centre. I arrived and texted that I was here, he said he was at the entrance closest to Costa in The Orient. I walked towards it and I spotted him. He was every bit as handsome to my eyes in person as he was in his photos. He’d acquired a beard and it made him look even lusher.

We sat, had a drink and I discovered that Zak was far moodier in person than his texts had indicated. I kept filling the silences and treating my eyes to his handsomeness but after about 40 minutes I admitted defeat. I said it had been a long day and I had to go home to get dinner ready. He seemed to become livelier at this point and said he’d walk me to my car. I explained the TC is like a second home and I was fine but he insisted, so I didn’t argue.

When we got there, I said goodbye and got in the car, to my surprise he got into the passenger seat. I asked what he was doing, he said he’d wanted me alone ever since he’d seen me. He leant forward to kiss me, not going to lie it gave me a fanny flutter and so I reciprocated. Midway he said and I quote

‘Touch my cock’

Well that accelerated quickly!

I moved back into the driver seat and said

‘I don’t think so!’

To which he said

‘Why not? You frigid?’

The fanny fluttering stopped, anger kicked in and I told him to get out of my car now.

‘Why babe? Go on touch it, you know you want to’

I told him to get out, otherwise I was going to start beeping the horn and it would attract attention.

He opened the door whilst giving me a look of disgust and called me a ‘frigid bitch’

Once he’d got out I locked the doors and sped off.

The tears came rushing down my cheeks. Was it relief, anger or shock? Probably a mix. I deleted his number and ignored his texts.

Interestingly over the years he’s spotted me on various dating sites and sent messages. I’ve always replied with a ‘no thank you’ and blocked him. Though he hasn’t got the message because he continues to send a message every-time he comes across me.

Having discussed this with my best, male friends I’ve been told this isn’t because he is apologetic or wants forgiveness. It’s because I’m the one that got away, rebuffed his advances. He wants me because I present a challenge! A challenge?!

Dear Lord, men are complicated and they make my brain hurt.

Adi 🖤

The NHS accountant. He was a POF find. POF aka Plenty Of Fish is a dating website, which I NOW know is commonly used for one night stands. At the time it was just the one that came up at the top of the apps in the App Store.

Adi was the same age as me, made me laugh and was a professional. I couldn’t see any problems though he was reluctant to actually meet 🤷🏽‍♀️

A couple of weeks of messaging and one night he said he had something to tell me. Now, at this moment in time when I was still naive and full of Hollywood romance hope, I thought nothing of it.

Adi stated he’d lied to me. He was actually younger than he’d told me. I was 31 at the time, he had said he was too but nope, he was 27 🤦🏽‍♀️ I was gutted. Told him to jog on.

Remember the Hollywood romance hope? It made me cry like a pubescent teenager and despair 😩 It was that same Hollywood romance hope that persuaded me to give him a chance after his relentless calls and texts asking for forgiveness. He assured me he was a mature, confident man and the age difference was irrelevant.

So, finally we met in Manchester at The Midland hotel because I’d been strictly forbidden by my bestie to let any men I didn’t know come home. We met, exchanged presents. I’d bought him a supersoft, Armani jumper with visions of cuddling upto him wearing it in the winter months ❄️ He’d bought me perfume. We went to Akbar’s restaurant in Deansgate. All was going well, we were gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands and playing footsie. When our food arrived, he proceeded to take out his false tooth and put it on the table. I said nothing. He then began eating. He then took food out of his mouth using his fingers, put it back on his plate, mash it up and then put it back in his mouth. I retched but again I said nothing.

At the end of the meal when the bill arrived he smiled at me and slid the bill over to me. Again I said nothing and paid.

We walked out and he suggested getting a hot drink. Starbucks wasn’t far and so in we went and placed our orders. When the server said the amount, he smiled at me and I realised he’d not put his tooth back in and I suggested perhaps he should pay for this. At this point he said “My mum hasn’t given me my spends yet babe” I closed my gaping mouth, exchanged an embarrassment glance with the server, said nothing and paid. On the way to the train station, he chatted away whilst I realised that the age difference WAS relevant because this 27 year old still got ‘spends’ from his mum whilst I was actually a mum. I had no words left for this manchild, needless to say, there was no second date 🤦🏽‍♀️

Adnan 🖤

As I lay in my bed in my newly rented apartment having left the sperm donor I was married to, I had a Facebook notification. The oh so naive 31 year old who had literally never dated, opened up the message to find a man I didn’t know telling me I was a ‘stunner’ and here is where the story of Adnan starts. During the course of the night he messaged me all sorts of compliments and we began to share our lives with each other. Over the coming days and weeks the messaging became intense and I let down my guard. One night he said that he was going to Pakistan to visit his parents and that I should wait for him because he had fallen for me. Guess what I did? I waited 🤦🏽‍♀️ For 6 weeks I didn’t hear a thing, I’d go onto his FB page and see nothing new until one day I realised he was friends with just women. Not a single man, just women. One of them happened to be a mutual friend. I messaged her and asked how she knew Adnan. Turned out he randomly messages women and hopes one of them will reply. Yes, I’m that one 🤦🏽‍♀️ When he eventually returned from Pakistan, I totally gave in and finally agreed to our first date. We met on the beach at Blackpool and walked and ate fish and chips. He had come on the train and I’d driven so I drove him home and the inevitable happened. We got naked and bumped uglies. Now, I suffer from polysistic ovaries which means I don’t have regular periods. Guess what? After not having had a period for over three years, it arrived as we were having sex. You literally cannot make this shit up. I’m 31 years, he was the second man I’d got naked with and had sex and my fecking body betrayed me by deciding to give me my period. The look of horror on his face was hilarious and soul destroying all in one. I was gutted and we had a very awkward breakfast and bid each other farewell with the promise of a phone call. The phone call never arrived unlike my period and that was my first experience of being ghosted. To say I was devastated is an understatement and I cried like a pubescent teenager. You’d think I’d have run for the hills after this date but nope, I’m a glutton for punishment 🖤

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